Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.