Texts From Last Night

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  (269): View more from Michigan

  So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...

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  (269): So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night. (937): Feels good to be wearing underwear again though... http://tfl.nu/djzk
  Replies (2) Good night (3387) Bad night (466)
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  We named our party play list daddy issues

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  (704): We named our party play list daddy issues http://tfl.nu/zy7m
  Replies (4) Good night (2551) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...

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  (806): and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"... http://tfl.nu/oz9l
  Replies (77) Good night (1742) Bad night (6574) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"

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  (254): You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution" http://tfl.nu/yos3
  Replies (22) Good night (6028) Bad night (720) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat

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  (270): Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat http://tfl.nu/vugk
  Replies (8) Good night (3386) Bad night (865) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.

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  (989): Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street. http://tfl.nu/pdx2
  Replies (9) Good night (2595) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me

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  (617): She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me http://tfl.nu/0bof
  Replies (4) Good night (1290) Bad night (3131) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.

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  (908): but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before. http://tfl.nu/ra7g
  Replies (20) Good night (4953) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.

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  (337): After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested. http://tfl.nu/exbc
  Replies (7) Good night (2162) Bad night (801) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?

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  (319): Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be? http://tfl.nu/gqtw
  Replies (12) Good night (645) Bad night (1074)
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  (631): View more from New York

  The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time

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  (631): The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time http://tfl.nu/yanl
  Replies (3) Good night (1179) Bad night (502)
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  (818): View more from California

  My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.

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  (818): My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place. http://tfl.nu/mphg
  Replies (10) Good night (1109) Bad night (265) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked

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  (309): I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked http://tfl.nu/2y25
  Replies (5) Good night (749) Bad night (229) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about

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  (309): And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about http://tfl.nu/0jvp
  Replies (3) Good night (306) Bad night (836) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs

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  (903): On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs http://tfl.nu/pggr
  Replies (1) Good night (770) Bad night (249) Order T-Shirt

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