You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.