I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
