he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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