I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
