I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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