Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
