shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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