Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
