just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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