he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
