my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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