i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
