Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
