Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
