Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
