You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
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im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
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So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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