I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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