When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
