So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
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We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
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He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
where are my eyebrows?
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