Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
