a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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