I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
