I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
