Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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