he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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