I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
