Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
