these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
