My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
