I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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