You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
