I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
