its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
