Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
