Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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