Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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