I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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