I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
