True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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