so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Randomize
