i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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