I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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