And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Drunk is not a location!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
