john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
