If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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