You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
