I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
