I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
