did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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