dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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