i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
