Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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