it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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