I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
