He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
