I feel great
I just peed on a car
you traded sex for a burrito?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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