Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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