she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Randomize
