Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
